The Greatest Game Ever Played

This headache won't go away..

2008-10-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

Terrible.

Too much thinking kills.

This entry does not need a title.

2008-09-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

For quite some time, I have been okay.

Until today.

It just feels empty and hollow.

One day in your life

2008-08-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

I've always liked this song.

One day in your life
Youll remember a place
Someone touching your face
Youll come back and youll look around

One day in your life
Youll remember the love you found here
Youll remember me somehow
Though you dont need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
Youll remember one day . . .

One day in your life
When you find that youre always waiting
For a love we used to share
Just call my name, and Ill be there

Youll remember me somehow
Though you dont need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
Youll remember one day . . .

One day in your life
When you find that youre always lonely
For a love we used to share
Just call my name, and Ill be there

Madness

2008-07-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

What makes me think the day would finally come? I'm now officially hopeless. Minus the romantic.

It seems that...

2008-06-08T18:15:00.000-07:00

When excitement fades, everything else becomes trivial.

Wag na lang kaya.

2008-06-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

What argument is more difficult to win than an argument with yourself? Friggin' indecisivenes. Leche! Chengchengcheng, try it why don't ya? Stop thinking. Stop being cerebral for once. Aaargh! - (this is me talking to myself, geez.)

For the nth time. .i hate this feeling..whatever this is..

2008-06-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

Why does my impatience get the better of me most of the time? I normally rush to the conclusion before the process has even begun. I think I trained myself to do sprint when in fact I am running a marathon. So I end up feeling exhausted, out of breath and losing severely.

Untitled # 3

2008-06-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

For a love that can never be
I plead for the heavens to save me
Dare not bring me close to him
Ease this burning, extinguish the flame
Lest I be a prisoner of a love that can never be.

Untitled # 2

2008-06-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

Cold that bites and eats the flesh
Under the earth our souls lie threshed
Seek no redemption nor retribution
Hues of black blinding our vision

Untitled # 1

2008-06-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

Moving towards eternity
Into an isthmus of infinite light
Grief that cannot be expressed
Unabated silent weeping over injustice
Echoes of a passion that faded fast
Left with nothing but scars of the past

What could be sadder than this?

2008-05-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

To love and not be able to stand up for it.
To love and not be able to show it.
This is pathetic.

Things that I miss.

2008-05-03T05:36:00.000-07:00

youth. falling in love. young love. boisterous laughter. mischievous smiles. butterflies in the stomach. sweet little kisses. warm hands. loud music. hand running through my hair. perfect fit. moonlight. sunrise. sunset. hot chocolate. mule. dancing naked. warm embrace. gentle rub on the back. long shower. cuddling. long walks. the ocean. satin sheets. dreaming.

Multitasking

2008-05-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

I'm hitting it big time. Screwing up a lot of things simultaneously. What now? Sigh.

On Love

2008-04-20T01:54:00.000-07:00

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

-Kahlil Gibran, Prophet

When "friends" aren't as real as you think

2008-04-12T04:29:00.000-07:00

Word for the day - "specious"

I am so disappointed. I thought we are good friends. I thought we had a bond - being childhood friends that we have always been. It seems like we never got over the feeling of being uncomfortable with each other. You know when you don't like someone just because? I guess that's how we were. And tonight it dawned on me that perhaps this is how we will always be. Yes, our friendship and everything else between us is specious.

Archive: Excerpts from Letter # 2 - longest greeting

2008-03-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

June 20, 2000
For Rachelle on her 19th birthday

Dearest: Love, wife (to be), mother of my child, best friend, companion, confidant, daughter (you act like so sometimes), lover, favorite pillow, responsibility, joy, sex bomb, music and madness, poetry, muse, inspiration, ultimate fantasy, sakit ng ulo, playmate (wholesome sense), pride chicken, shower friend, swimming student, fellow lover of books and all things pertaining to sex food trip buddy, sparring partner, simple fun partner, rude awakening, soul half, hearth, blue rose, ultimate girl, favorite model, tekken goddess, dancing queen, songbird, sun and moon, keeper of my heart, fire of my soul, pencil sharpener, clothes folder, favorite twit, smooch mate, intellectual college, boggle enemy and crossword fulfiller, rival for kids' affection, girl (and boy) watching buddy, clothes critique, chubby fat criticizer, test subject, student in search of orgasm, woman with the perfect back, neck, collarbone, smooth skin, shapely legs, heavenly chest, kissable feet, naughty hands, teacher of deep hifalutin Tagalog, pride and joy, ridiculuously slender tiny 4 1/2 fingers, sweet-smelling skin all the time chick, moon cake, fiesta ham, ice cream lover, pizza monster, fried chicken fiend, chocoholic, huggy bear, pillow lover, sharp tongued shrew, bitchy (sometimes) lady, dental floss reminder, pa-cute honey, steamy snsual seductress, playmate (adult sense), math whiz, favorite letter writer, baby in blue, spoiled brat, kindest heart around, karaoke queen, empress of sarcasm, pambara priestess, plant hater (remember the blue one?), girl with the troubled past, christmas carnival partner (you kept on gambling with our money), megamall homey, UP Diver applicant, chosen child, princess bride text mate, economics disaster, favorite enemy of art, powder on face chick, girl who hates smell of lemon/oranges even if I love those smells, strawberry lover, woman who has to learn how to be thoughtful - show feelings, sharer of rootbeer floats, movie partner, picker of bad movies (remember the crazy sex therapist?), burlesk queen, karibal sa kagaguhan, most understanding woman I know, owner of my heart, lamb/sheep, street food partner, hilaw na mangga, selosa siren, girl who should be very, very careful when she drinks or I will kill her...Dearest baby,

*letter greeting*

Archive: Love poem # 2

2008-03-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

circa 1999
For Rachelle

The thought of her is a weight in my stomach.
A dependency of sorts wedged well -
Between hunger and well-being.
She has my need for things;
She is my thirst, my hunger, my need for light.

Without her is a world without sight -
One of sound of touch of smell.
Her skin, her hair and her hands -
Laughter like the fulfillment of summer
and the coming of rain.

- C

Archive: Poem # 1 (attached to loveletter # 1)

2008-03-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

September, 1999
Poem for baby Rachelle

I thought

I thought that I had finally learned
To sing of different things -
or others' joy and beauty.
I thought that past things slept fast,
joys forgotten safely locked away.
-----------
And then I found you, when I thought
That you were someone else.
When things changed to truer states
I learned of your smile
and held your hands' heart.
Truer states found in the soft of your voice
-----------
I thought before only of songs of rage
with anger and passion unchecked.
And then I learned of truer melodies.
Slower but brighter, with joys at every note.
Silent memories put aside for my own
joy. For my own sanity.

-C

Archive: Love letter #1

2008-03-20T22:57:00.000-07:00

September 21, 1999
3:18 am

My Dearest R_______,

Perhaps I don't seem anxious to spend longer hours on the phone with you - invariably choosing to ask you to sleep at around 3. It's not that I don't want to talk to you anymore; it's just that I am a bit wary...I might say something prematurely or admit more feelings than I already feel I have.

I must admit that I don't like writing letters for the usual reasons: tamad, bad-handwriting, tamad, lack of ideas, tamad...I guess it's also 'cause for me putting pen to paper is tantamount to showing a great deal of affection for someone - they are called love letters you know.

O.K. fine I admit it then - convention be damned, insecurities aside - the more we talk and spend time the more I feel complete, a candle glowing brighter despite the dark. In the brief time that we have spent together you have opened old unused feelings in me - you've taken the little boy out of the dark by his hand and played with him in the sun. So much joy for this somewhat useless heart I think.

Sunlight shined...

Today has unofficially started, I can hear the roosters calling to the sun and the stirring of life to meet the new day.

Funny. I look forward to new days now. Opportunities and chances to see a person held dear, held precious. Now I sleep to rest for awhile, but more so to wait for you in dreams - the one totality of my sleep and thoughts.

How is it posible to fall so fast...and so deeply? Whatever. Just think that we've known each other from way back and we're just reestablishing a relationship that was almost forgotten.

I'm about to fall asleep, but here is a poem that I should have given you earlier. Until you stop needing me I will remain.

Yours,

C____

I'm confused...

2008-02-27T02:18:00.000-08:00

If I wasn't THAT, then why am I not happy being THIS? What if THAT is what I really am and not THIS? Did I make a mistake choosing to be THIS when in reality I am THAT? Oh boy..what to do, what to do? Sigh. :(

While I'm Still Young

2008-02-10T04:30:00.000-08:00

With the brushing of our shoulders
I lived a life with you
We had a son or daughter who had my eyes
And your laughter echoed after you
All of this in a brief stare
A fleeting glimpse of happiness shared
That made our bodies burn and shiver
As we passed each other unaware
I am not to think of your face, of your name
For when i do, you are there
Lying next to another
I can only wonder
Lesse mon cour vous abondonne
Depuis je suis encore jeune

-sung by Azure Ray

Alay sa Araw ng mga Puso (tula ng walang magawa)

2008-02-02T04:47:00.000-08:00

Malapit na naman ang araw ng mga puso
Tuliro't hilo si Ben sa pag-iisip
"Sa'n ko ba dadalhin si Annang mahal ko?"
Dapat memorable at sulit kahit cheap.

Dumating na ang oras na hinihintay
Pag-ibig! Siksik, liglig at umaapaw!
"Lang takot, humarap kay Anna't nangahas
"Mahal, doon tayo magcheck-in sa Stone House."

Bitbit ang coke at 'sang bote ng Napoleon
Pumasok ang mag-irog sa kwartong aircon
"I love you, Anna, " sambit ni Ben sa nobya
"I love you Ben, sana forever tayo na."

Noon ay Pebrero, ngayon ay Nobyembre
Anna, bakit nga ba ito importante?
"S'yam na b'wan ang nakalipas mula noon
Ngayon ako'y nagpapasuso ng sanggol."

Sukat bata pa, puso't isip ng dal'wa
Dating init ng pag-ibig nanlamig na
Ano sa tingin n'yo, mayro'n bang pag-asa
Muling lumigaya sina Ben at Anna?

Bad habits are hard to break.

2008-01-21T17:57:00.000-08:00

I own two of the worst habits - smoking and procrastination. Can it get any better? Oh, I try so hard to break these habits but I slip everytime. WHY OH WHY! It is so frustrating!

Two months ago (after 6 years), I quit smoking. It seemed to have worked. In fact, it wasn't that bad. There wasn't any symptoms of withdrawal. Everything felt normal. Then I started gaining weight. The times I wasn't smoking, I devoured food! *sniff sniff :'(

Result: I'd rather fill my lungs with nicotine than strut around with excess layers of fat.

And what about procrastinating? Hmm..I am supposed to be in the Manila area today distributing questionnaires to news publications and journalists for my thesis.

I ended up Multiply-ing.

Worst 7th birthday

2007-11-06T14:53:00.000-08:00

What could be worse than my son's 7th birthday? What will he remember when he grows up and he and his friends reminisce about childhood stuff?

- That on his 7th birthday, his mom shouted at him early in the morning for misplacing his school ID
- That on his 7th birthday, he cried before riding the school bus for not being allowed to take his precious pokemon cards
- That on his 7th birthday, he had no loot bags to bring for his classmates because they weren't prepared
- That on his 7th birthday, there were no birthday candles to blow coz there was no birthday cake to put them on top of
- That on his 7th birthday, his own father forgot that he has a birthday to celebrate.

I am his mother. I am crying for my son. I am crying for myself. I am crying because I made him cry on his 7th birthday. OF all the other birthdays, I made him feel bad on his 7th birthday. Worst of all, I made him feel bad because I am feeling miserable. Miserable that my only son will not have a 7th birthday to remember nicely because his parents failed miserably.

Can time please turn back? Move a little slowly for my child. So he won't grow up as fast. There are so many things to do for him, for his childhood that I have taken for granted because I have been so busy fixing my own fucked up life. That I don't realize I am fucking up big time with my only son's life too.

I am his mother. I am supposed to protect him. From pain. From trouble. From evil. Shield him from being hurt. Oh God, make me stronger. Please give me the strength. My son should not end up as another dysfunctional child. He does not deserve it. I love him so much. More than anything else. More than my life. Spare him from despair, Oh Lord. Save him from the army of the bitter, the selfish, the neurasthenic and the unhappy.

Lucid Dreams

2007-11-04T04:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I got into the same trance-like state where I felt like I was away from my body and transported in some place while knowing that i should be in bed sleeping. For the past 8 years, I thought of them as nightmares because of the sensation of paralysis and the shortness of breath making me think that I was going to die if I didn't return to my body and wake up.

Even more scary is the fact that I wake up either at exactly 12 midnight or 3 am. Aren't these supposedly the witching hours? It freaks me out having to open my eyes feeling agitated and weak, then when I check the time, it is at that exact hour.

Call me a lunatic but this experience has been driving me crazy and the only way I have been dealing with it is thru prayers. Yes, I wake up reciting the Lord's Prayer and the Prayer to the Guardian Angel over and over.

Tonight I opened my eyes at 12 midnight and after again emerging from a traumatic sleep paralysis, I've decided to look at it from a scientific and not a paranormal point of view. So here I am -- googling about OBEs (out of body experiences) and blogging to at least take away some of my fears.

According to Wikepedia, an out-of-body experience (OBE or sometimes OOBE), is an experience that typically involves a sensation of floating outside of one's body and, in some cases, perceiving one's physical body from a place outside one's body (autoscopy).

In some cases the phenomenon appears to occur spontaneously; in others it is associated with a physical or mental trauma, use of psychedelic drugs or a dream-like state. It is possible to induce the experience deliberately, for example through visualization while in a relaxed, meditative state.

There have been several attempts by people to develop techniques to induce OBEs. One is to(( attempt to fall asleep without losing wakefulness. This method is generally perceived to be the cause of involuntary OBE. Inventor Thomas Edison was known to use the sleep state to tackle problems while working on his inventions. He would hold a rock above a metal bucket while sitting in a chair, and let himself fall asleep. This would cause the rocks to fall into the bucket and wake him up.

Deliberately teetering between awake and asleep states is known to cause spontaneous trance episodes at the onset of sleep which are ultimately helpful when attempting to induce an out-of-body experience.

This applies to me, yes. I go to bed with my mind thinking of so many things causing me to fall in and out of sleep. In fact, I even make a joke out of this because I always tell my friends that I study when I am asleep. You know how when you are asleep but your mind is working and is somewhat aware that IT is doing some thinking. Then you awake with a solution to the problem but with a rested body.

As for the sleep paralysis part, I want to believe that I found the answer as well - sleep paralysis occurs sometimes when a person is waking from or falling into REM sleep, the state in which most vivid dreams occur. During REM sleep, the muscles of the body, excluding the eye muscles and those responsible for circulation and respiration, are immobilized by order from a nerve center in the lower brain. Occasionally, this paralysis turns on or remains active while the person's mind is fully awake and aware of the world.

This anwers my sensations of dying and shortness of breath and the feeling of heaviness of my limbs. AM I RIGHT?

If I was really experiencing OBE, then I might as well not be scared of the phenomena and embrace it with an open mind. Hmm..let me go back to bed now and see if the silver cord that connects me to my body will stretch as far as Paris. See you in my dreams.

Snake dreams

2007-10-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, I've been waking up at past noon. It is not unusual since my bedtime has also moved from 12 midnight to 5 am. So today, I woke up at 3 in the afternoon. In fact, I had to force myself to wake up because my dream was scary --I dreamt of snakes.

I wish I could remember the entirety of my dream. Anyway, there were two snakes, one black and the other white. There were other people aside from me. I recognize family and friends; there were also unknown faces. The snakes appeared out of nowhere and for some reason, it felt like they were trying to crawl towards me. So I climbed a high cabinet to keep myself at a safe distance. For a few minutes, I managed to elude them. Then suddenly, instinct tells me that they have found me, and yes! Both snakes were climbing the cabinet as well. I wanted to jump to escape but the black snake was near enough to bite me so I grabbed it instead, then jumped to the floor. The snake wouldn't get off my hand so my grandmother ( I believe the woman is my grandmother) helped me take it off my hand. Imagine slithering. Both snakes were still trying to attack me and the old lady so I picked up the first thing I saw - a broom - and hit the snakes with it. Yes, I made sure they're killed because I got really scared. Then I woke up.

Here are some of the interpretations I found online:

Well, generally snakes are predominantly a symbol of fear and also a sexual symbol. They say every woman dreams of snakes at least once in her life and the interpretation is often fear of a rival or fear of the male gender. This may be speaking to you of the fears around sexual expression and fullness that you may have. The serpent stands for physical drives and if something is not quite right in that area of life, the snake dreams can come. Now often by the time the dreams come, it is also signifying healing of this area or the desire to heal and balance this area of life.

Something in you has been oppressed. This could be by outside forces, societal rules or inner oppression of true desire. Something quite important is happening in your subconscious and will eventually give rise to a new dimension within your outer life. Sometimes the snake images do warn of danger, but mostly of hidden truths coming up for healing and often around sexual energy. The danger warnings are about not heeding the call to heal a particular area and so making the issues "worse" somehow. However, the predominant images do speak of a healing of fear surrounding the sexual expression area of life or fear surrounding men or a male in your life. Ponder on these thoughts and feel if there is any connection with these symbols inside of you.

If someone dreams that he was fighting with a snake and killed it, he will cut down an enemy whose power is proportionate to the mightiness of the snake he saw in his dream.

To dream of snakes, is a foreboding of evil in its various forms and stages. To kill them, you will feel that you have used every opportunity of advancing your own interests, or respecting that of others. You will enjoy victory over enemies. If they bite you, you will succumb to evil influences, and enemies will injure your business. To see them bite others, foretells that some friend will be injured and criticised by you.

I woke up asking myself this... :(

2007-10-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

What if the one thing you're looking for is actually right in front of you, yet you don't know that it is looking at you face to face?

To love in secret and in shadows..

2007-08-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

I cannot be your friend anymore. For so long, I have kept myself well-concealed...but now you know...again. So I cannot stay any longer. It will only hurt more. My desire for you is incorrigible. No kind words from you will assuage this contempt I feel for myself --for continuously loving you despite.

That kiss was poison. It burned my lips and stopped my heart. I shouldn't have wanted it. Only a fool could have wanted it. Now, it's slowly killing me. Your venom is running through my veins. I'm quite sure I will die soon. For how can I be cured when the antidote is you?

Please don't ask me to be your friend. Do not say sorry. Do not ask me what you can do to make things better or how you can lessen the pain because there is no other way to do it but BE WITH ME! And I will not ask you to do that because I love you. I love you in the dark. I love you without you knowing how much I love you. Just like you hurting me without knowing that you are the source of this misery.

So stay as far away as you can. If you ever get closer, your scent will drive me mad from longing. Your touch will burn me from the depths of my soul. Your kiss will make me want to seek the abyss of your love. Your sweet embrace will make me not want to leave your side ever again.

Stay as far as you can..as far as you can.

2007-08-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-pablo

In my past life, I was..

2007-08-22T02:23:00.000-07:00

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Forlorn Assassin.

Where You Lived: Romania.

How You Died: Hung for treason.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Response-ability

2007-08-13T00:05:00.001-07:00

Proactivity means that, as human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen.

For those who claim to be Covey-disciplined (7 Habits of Highly Effective People), then you must be very familiar with this concept.

Responsibility or response-ability is the ability to be responsible for one's actions. It is the ability to choose one's reactions to certain circumstances.

I can think of one perfect example to highlight this value. Chris and China are an estranged couple. They have one child and they agreed that Chris will support his son nevertheless. Chris now lives with his new girlfriend while China stays with her parents. For the first two months, Chris religiously paid for their son's bills. On the third month, he suddenly told China to "deal with it" first. This came as a surprise as China was assured by Chris that he will not let them down in terms of financial support for the child. This is In the meantime, at least, while China is finishing college and has no means of income. Chris, however, didn't think about the repercussions of his actions. He thought he could drop a bomb anytime and get away with it. Now, China is so upset. She wanted to curse Chris for being so irresponsible. How can he possibly be so damn irresponsible??

Let's say China allowed Chris' action affect her disposition. what will happen? China would have called him up or messaged him right away telling him what a bum he is and how unreliable he is. This may yield worse results as her retaliation would only cause Chris to resent her more and vice versa. Therefore, no resolution.

On the other hand, since China cannot control Chris' behavior. She can choose to react if not positively, at least in a neutral, calm manner. Instead of getting mad (which will just stress her out again), China can start thinking of other options that will make her and her son independent of Chris. Since Chris is quite undependable, China will have to find a better way to support the child on her own. In the meantime, this is her best option. No stupid jerks to deal with, no unnecessary stress, no potential heart attack.

As for Chris, he can start rereading Habit 3 which says,

"Put First Things First - Principles of Personal Management"

Habit 3 is Personal Management, the exercise of independent will to create a life congruent with your values, goals and mission. The fourth human endowment, Independent Will, is the ability to make decisions and choices and act upon them. Integrity is our ability to make and keep commitments to ourselves.

Blood is always thicker than water..(No doubt about it)

2007-08-13T00:04:00.001-07:00

Betrayal takes many forms. It could be an envious co worker who squeals to the boss about the slightest mistake you commit. It could be a classmate who once heard you fart and tells it to just about everyone you know. It could also be your best friend who reveals your deepest. darkest secret to another gossiper. It could even be your mother who rummages through your stuff just to find out if you have engaged in sex or drugs.

Betrayal could be your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend cheating on you. Betrayal could be the priest confessing your confession to another confessor.

Betrayal hurts. When a stranger breaks your trust, it stings, perhaps only a little. But it still does. What more if disloyalty is displayed by someone close to your heart? Like blood. Almost family. In fact, not almost. Yes, they are family. To me, at least.

This is foolish. It is foolish to think that the ties were tight enough. Only a moron would fail to see that. I was that moron. Ridiculous.

LMAO :p

2007-08-13T00:02:00.000-07:00

LMAO. Laughing My Ass Off. :p This is what I was actually and literally doing yesterday as I was exchanging SMS with Mig's father and his fiancee. It was ridiculously funny! I don't understand why they kept on insisting that I am still living under the shadows of my relationship with him.

To be asked to live with the fact that they are now together and that I must move on, WHAAAAT???? HAHAHAHHAHAHA! Oh my God, I just can't believe it! :D

With the quality of my life right now, I couldn't ask for more. I may not have "everything I want" unlike Miss Perfect who seems to have everything she wants, BUT I AM REALLY HAPPY AND CONTENTED. LOL. I have my family who supports me all the way. I have Miguel who unceasingly fascinates me and impresses me with his ability to be amusing. :) I have my friends whose company I wouldn't miss for the world. Lovelife? Hahahahaha! I have more than enough I don't need to grab someone else's boyfriend. LOL. Besides, don't you understand Miss Perfect? I had enough of him. He is all yours. You are a perfect match. As a worn out belt is to a pair of overused pants. ;)

So, I agree with both of you. Live and let live. I understand how irresistible I am but you just have to keep yourself from being drawn to me. And Miss Perfect, always remember...you are not my mother so keep your wisecracks to yourself. (Although physically, you can really pass off as my mother) LOL.:p

CHEERS! :D

Cush

2007-06-10T03:08:00.000-07:00

Cush,

I thought you are happy with your life now. In fact, I honestly wish you are. There's just one thing that I ask of you. Please stop making me feel bad. It's bad enough that I haven't found peace in my life. SO Please let me be. I beg you.

From Cush

2007-06-10T03:07:00.000-07:00

So I've heard.
Many things.
I've heard that time is a play doh for you and your friends.
I've heard that you have less pity than respect for sorrow.
I've heard that you view Neruda to be a twisted harmonica for your songs of rage.
I've heard better things said.
But do you know what I see?
Sentences and grammar do you know what I see?
I see a BUT.
I see a lesser soul.
I see a even smaller thing creeping.
I see less of an attempt at living your own life.
I see nothing but an emptiness.
I see nothing but a question mark
reaved by skulls
lessened by seconds of hesitation
I see the measure of a woman's worth
IN THE LACK OF RESOLVE.

Serendipity

2006-12-09T10:19:00.000-08:00

I accidentally found the answer to my questions. Incidentally, it was a desirable and fortunate discovery. I am so excited. :)

If I Had 30 Days Left to Live

2006-12-01T20:34:00.000-08:00

If I had thirty days left to live, I'd probably be so happy. I think that's the best way to bring out the best in me. Cramming is my game and pressure is my master. So here's my itinerary for the last 30 days of my life..

Day 1..I'll spend time rereading the following books..By The River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept (Paolo Coelho), The Five People You Meet in Heaven (Mitch Albom), and The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera).

Day 2..Attend a party all night and get smashed big time. ;)

Day 3..Prepare a feast for my family and friends. I'll cook and personally serve everyone. Chef and waitress in one.

Day 4..I'll go to Enchanted Kingdom and ride Anchors Away again (where I almost died before.."conquer thy fear") and get wet on the Wild River Ride without complaining.

Day 5..Go to Batangas to dive. This time, I won't wear a full suit though. I want to feel the water, the corals and the fine sand. Then, I'll ride with the whales.

Day 6..General cleaning of the house. Major redecoration of our room. I've always wanted a neat, minimalist look. Our room has always been a mess.

Day 7..Commission an artist to do a nude sketch/painting of me.

Day 8..Write a journal. Of everything and anything that I can remember.

Day 9..Sing in front of an audience. Concert? Better.

Day 10..Spend time with Miguel. We'll go swimming. We'll play and have fun. We'll eat out - ice cream, chocolate, cake, tempura, sushi..everything!

Day 11..Spend time with Miguel. We'll read books, paint and draw. We'll sing and dance and play some more. And eat again!

Day 12..Spend time with Miguel. We'll go to Disneyland in HongKong. We'll walk the Great Wall of China. We'll visit the Angkor Vat in Cambodia.

Day 13..Spend time with Miguel. We'll laugh and laugh some more. Miguel loves the beach so we'll head off to Boracay via plane. Miguel loves airplanes. :)

Day 14..Shop! Not for me though. But for my mom, my dad, two brothers, cush & miguel.

Day 15..Spend the day in a spa. Relax. Go to a salon and have the best hairdresser fix me up. Buy a wedding gown and have my picture taken. :)

Day 16..Dance all day..Ballroom..streetdance..tango..jazz..i will really sweat it out. ;)

Day 17..Visit an orphanage and read stories to the children. There will be a party - with games, food, and prizes!

Day 18..Recelebrate my 18th birthday..complete with 18 roses and 18 candles. And a huge cake!

Day 19..Quiet time. This is my day to reflect and to think about what my life has been. I'll probably go to church and talk to a priest.

Day 20..For the next ten days, I will most likely spend at home. Most likely editing Friendster and blogging.

Day 21..I will ask Cush to take me out on a date. Like when we were a new couple. Hold hands while walking. Whisper sweet words to each other. Kiss. Embrace. Walk. Just walk.

Day 22, 23, 24..Spend the weekend on the beach with my family. Camp out. Create a bonfire. Eat roasted marshmallows. Run. Play. Watch the sunrise and the sunset. Breathe.

Day 25..Something changed. I don't want to die anymore. So I'll stop at day 25. :)

Day 26..I am healed. Like I said, I still believe in fairy tales and happy endings.

Why Not?

2006-12-01T00:56:00.000-08:00

One day, my friend asked me to check out a blogsite of a stranger. Hungry for new ideas, I excitedly searched for the site and found myself browsing through the profile of a made man (or should I say, woman).

Her piece, which I posted below, fed my thoughts of should have's, could have's and would have's. Mundane as it is, it surprised me that it virtually resonates my sense of being right now. This is like admitting that I still live in the past - when I was younger and unblemished. In the same way, he was younger and bolder. And our absolute truth was defined by our infinite love for each other.

Or should i say, lust for each other. Whatever it was, we were happy. We had problems but we solved them. We argued but we kissed and made up. We hurt each other but we forgave. Then we realized that love.

Somehow, through the years, we stopped getting in touch with our feelings. Maybe got "too closely" in touch. All we could think of was the hurt that one gave the other, how to hurt back, and hurt back some more. It became a vicious cycle and nobody wanted to end it.

My question is, why did this happen? We were supposed to "mellow" with age. Maturity and commitment should be our priority now. But look where it got us - a never ending spiral of lies and deception.

What is done can never be undone. But why not, try to get over this? Why not, let's start replaying the part that really matters -- the love that brought us together in the first place.

How About This?

2006-12-01T00:45:00.000-08:00

How about this...
Let's rewind to the time before our love story got so complicated.
Or better yet, we could just fast-forward past it.
Let's rewrite the script
So that we take special care
Of each other's heart and feelings.
Let's minimize the drama as much as possible
And add in a few extra love scenes
Just to make sure the relationship
Is headed for a happy ending --
Where we're wrapped in a deep embrace
Whispering "I'm Sorrys" and "I love yous"
In between tender kisses and long looks of love…
I hate it when there's tension between us
And we just seem to tune out or turn each other off... sorry…
Let's try to get over this.
Let's start replaying the part that really matters --
The love that brought us together in the first place.

Beautiful Lies

2006-11-29T03:23:00.000-08:00

I can feel your lies creeping under my skin. They're eating me from the inside out. I've spent sleepless nights trying to illuminate my mind -- to believe that my suspicions are a make believe of a crazy woman in love. My body is getting weak and my heart, weaker. Knowing that I live in a world where lies are a dime a dozen, makes me shiver from fear.

Your lies are so beautiful. But believe me, I'm not a fool.

Dear Santa

2006-11-28T05:23:00.000-08:00

Christmas is only 27 days away. For the past several christmases, either I sleep it off or forget that such day exists. But today, something tells me to make a wishlist. Santa probably whispered in my ear while I was dead asleep to remind me that Christmas is near -- the best time to be like a child again. I'd love to be like a child again - happy, contented, simple, protected and loved. To be like a child is to be forgiving and accepting; trusting and honest.

So my dear Santa, if in any case, you chance upon my blogsite, here is my Christmas wishlist:

a new pair of bright, wide eyes that glitter with joy (they said my eyes have lost their glitter)
a new pair of lips that only says good things (my husband says I'm a nagger)
a new set of fingers that wouldn't look at my husband's web history (because that's invasion of privacy)
a new face that only smiles and doesn't frown (so he can look at me again with passion)
a younger set of "mammary glands" (so he'll stop imagining what I was in the past)
a bigger heart (so I can quarantine the hurt and hatred, the remaining space will be for loving and forgiving)
a brain with more convolutions (to make me smarter and more interesting)
a grade of 1.0 on all my classes (to graduate with honors)
to beat my deadline : September 2008
lastly, a digital camera to capture all the moments of my life

I've been a good girl, Santa. Hopefully, I have been good enough for you to make my wishes come true. Merry Christmas.

Stuck

2006-11-25T01:33:00.000-08:00

I CAN'T EVEN WRITE A BLOG!!!! I AM SO STUCK THAT MY MIND DOESN'T EVEN WORK PROPERLY ANYMORE!!

I need to get out of this vicious cycle. Why does loving have to hurt so much? Why do I stick with someone who continuously betrays my trust? Stupid blog. What's the use of blogging if my words can't explain what my tears mean? I give up.

Is Sorry Not Enough?

2006-11-01T23:37:00.000-08:00

Inside That I Cried
Ce Ce Peniston

The talks we had on stormy nights
I often rushed away
When you were not in common sight
I was held by your embrace
I gaze and see the pain you feel
To think we had to part
I didn't feel you loved me
So I played games with your heart

CHORUS:
It was inside that I cried
It was inside that I cried
No long drawn out speeches
No sad tears of goodbye
It was inside that I cried
It was inside that I cried
Don't be deceived by what you saw
It was inside that I cried

You treated me just like a queen
For me that wasn't enough
You showered me with expensive things
But I found a new love
Mistakes I made were fatal ones
Finally I see you cared
I can't undo what has been done
Now I need you, and you're not there

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
No more prayers to make for tomorrow
Our time has slipped away
I feel so helpless
There's nothing I can do or say
To make things better

It was inside that I cried
It was inside that I cried
No long drawn out speeches
No sad tear solves goodbye
It was inside that I cried for you
Now you're never coming back for me no more
Oh baby I know that I was wrong
So you left me all alone
Don't go
Don't be deceived by what you saw
It was inside that I cried

The Game of Life

2006-10-29T14:39:00.000-08:00

"How did you play the game of life?"

I was asked this question by someone I barely know. It threw me off. Should I say I have been just or fair? Or that I have been kind or cruel? Was this question referring to how I treated other people or how I lived MY life?

Last night, my husband/fiance/boyfriend bought a new PC. We were so ecxited to set it up and use it right away. He said he had a report to do. So I agreed.

I watched while he checked his email. Then I saw the name that made my heart skip a beat. My first instinct was, no big deal, so what, like i'ts just an email. I calmly asked him what the email was about. He said pictures. I wanted to see but he wouldn't let me. Why? I don't know. He forwarded her pictures somewhere so it didn't matter even if he deleted the pictures. The truth is, he deleted it when I asked to look.

I promised I'd be a trusting, forgiving and accepting woman. To trust, forgive and accept -- this is how I want to play the game of life. Last night, my strength was tested again. I almost gave in to the temptation of hurling hurtful words at him. I wanted to give up and leave him for real.

I played the game of life fairly in order to be sure I didn't hurt anyone. But why do I keep getting hurt in return?

2006-09-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

Invisible War

-Julia Fordham-

Invisible war, seems we're fighting an invisible war

Strained manoeuvres, keeping silent score

In this invisible war

Every day I seem to lose you more

Both wishing it was like before

In this invisible war

Talk about a fine line between love and hate

We've lost more than our direction of late

Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends

We've never been lovers and now we're not even friends

In this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war

Every day I seem to lose you more

In this invisible war

It wounded deeply the scar is here to stay

Opening up at all the little things I do and say

You always want things to be as before

So I make you angry and you bleed a little more

In this invisible war, seems that we're waging an invisible war

Every day I seem to lose you more

In this invisible war

Want to go awayI still love you

Got to go awayI always love you

Got to be away

Time heals all wounds

INVISIBLE WAR